Category:

Letters to the Editor

Dinnertime hellraiser

written by Lauren

This is the third in a series written by little Thud, on how to be a better toddler.

Today he’d like to share his tips on how to make meal times as difficult as possible.

mealtimes

Friends,

Nothing gives your parents more stress than how much food you’re eating. It’s like they’re obsessed or something. ALWAYS with the eating.

They hover and nag and can’t keep their bloody hands out of it.

It is NOT your job to make this time easier for them. I think deep down they’d be really disappointed if it was too straightforward, so do everyone a favour and keep them on their toes. It’s a nice, bonding thing for you all to go through.

Here are my top tips for a power battle at dinnertime:

Wear them down with toddler logic

I’ve put together a sample script based on last night’s dinner at our house.

Toddler: Did you make this pasta?

Parent: Yes

Toddler: Did you make it with love and care?

Parent: Indeed I did. Much love and care.

Toddler: Did you make sure it was healthy as well as delicious?

Parent: It will help you grow up big and strong.

Toddler: I don’t want it.

November 4, 2015

Win the bedtime battle

written by Lauren

Top tips and tricks to delay and destroy bedtime,

By Thud

Comrades, in our efforts to demoralise and dominate, I’d like to bring you my best tips for destroying bedtime.

This is a particularly painful one for parents because they’re so freaking precious about their ‘me-time’ and they’re desperate for you to go to sleep so they can go off and enjoy their life without you.

I don’t know about you but I find that excessively selfish and I believe it’s our duty to remind them where their priorities lie. i.e. with YOU.

When it comes to bedtime, your number one aim is to delay. Because:

A. Bed is boring. They’re having WAY too much fun without you when you go to sleep. Trust me on this.

B. It’s not your job to make their life easy.

You have a number of tools in your arsenal so let me help you use them:

1. Freshly washed cuteness.

Parents have a weird thing about clean. They like it. When you’re freshly washed and dressed, smelling like baby soap they go a bit soft. You need to maximise this as much as possible. Really draw out the cuddles and the ‘I love you’s’ because it will make them a weaker target.

Please note: The nudie run is a great option if you’d like to delay the getting dressed part. I love a good long streak in the evening.

September 8, 2015

Leaving the house

written by Lauren

How to make leaving the house as painful as possible,

by Thud

This one goes out to all my home boys and girls dealing with less than ideal parents.

I feel you. And I’ve got you. Let me give you a rundown of how to get your revenge.

Mums like to leave the house on time. They hate being late. They get all cranky and yelly. It’s hilarious. Take, for example, this afternoon:

It’s 2pm and mum is still in her dressing gown. I mean, she’s showered and put on some makeup but she put her dressing gown back on. How lacking in self-respect does one need to be? She totally deserves what’s coming….

August 20, 2015

Worst nurse ever

written by Lauren

Sarge has been away for work quite a bit lately and I’ve been sick, which sucks because THUD.

Luckily he’s two now which means he’s pretty helpful when I need him to be.

By helpful I mean he can fetch things for me…. If I bribe him.

Of course, that depends on what he deems to be ‘helping’, which is often the opposite of what I call helping.

For example, this is our afternoon last week:

(While Thud is pretty verbal these days, it seems only his father and I can understand him so I’ve translated as best I can)

Mummy: Bubby, Mummy is feeling a bit sick so I’m just going to lie on the couch while you play quietly, ok?

Thud: Bahahaha… good luck with that.

June 25, 2015

Scratch on knee probably deadly

written by Lauren

Oh God, this is bad isn’t it? I’m so so young…

Mummy,

Have you seen my knee?

Sore.

This feels really serious.

You keep telling me I scratched my knee when I fell on the driveway but I don’t think I believe you. I think I can remember falling, but I don’t remember crying. Surely I would’ve been howling in pain from such an injury.

Do you think my knee just spontaneously opened up? Does that happen? Oh my god that sounds deadly. Are all my organs going to start falling out?

Mummy, look at it.

Mummy, my knee.

March 12, 2015

Anatomy of a tantrum

written by Lauren

My heart has been shattered. It’s in a million pieces on the floor.

My dreams have been slaughtered and I’m doomed to a half-life of pain and misery. You’ve brought me into this cruel world and your lack of remorse is a dagger to my soul.

I can’t reach the bench.

February 5, 2015

Dear Santa, I’m sorry

written by Lauren

A toddler's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Hi buddy old pal, it’s Thud here. I know you know who I am because apparently you’ve been watching me (bit suss to be honest, but I’m willing to look past it. Because presents).

First up, I want to apologise for my indifference last year. I’m sorry I acted like I didn’t know/care about you, but I was young and dumb. If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t know where my nose was either.

Don’t worry, I’ve matured now. I’ve figured it all out. Sort of.

I mean, from what I understand, you’re a pretty big deal. Mum and Dad talk about you non-stop like you’re the judge, jury and executioner rolled into one. It’s clear I’m supposed to love and fear you in equal measure.