Once upon a bright but frosty morning, a woman named Lauren was given a Ford Kuga Titanium. Just like that. The keys were hers. But only for six weeks. She was told to make the very most of this time and to take her chariot on many magical adventures and to write back with tales of her travels. After six weeks, on the strike of midnight the car would be turned back into a pumpkin. Or something like that. So Lauren set out on her adventures. Her first was to the mystical Kingdom of Coles, which is the only kind of adventure a mother of a two-year-old gets to endure enjoy. This is her tale….
They say mums can lift cars off crushed babies. Apparently a mother’s love gives us super human strength.
I think it also has something to do with all the shit we have to carry around every day.
The mum lifting the car hasn’t only got her primal love and mother’s instinct working in her favour. She’s also been lugging around a lump of a child, a nappy bag, eight bags of shopping, various toys and entertainment devices all day, every day. It’s a helluva workout.
It also makes you feel like a packhorse, pining for the days when leaving the house meant picking up your clutch and your keys and walking out the front door. What folly.
Now it takes 45 minutes, 92 decibels and 25 kilos of unnecessary crap just to make it to the car, and usually means dragging your kicking and screaming toddler on your shoulder along with everything else you have to carry. You should see my arms. They’re impressive. The rest of me, however, looks like I’ve been sucked into a mosh pit and spat out at the portaloos. Such is the joy of leaving the house with a toddler. Saddle up, Silver! Hi ho!
This week we were heading out for our weekly adventure at the supermarket and made it to the car in a record time of 37 minutes. I was carrying only 15 kilos of bags, snacks and clothing in addition to 13 kilos of child. It was all off to such a good start. A dummy-spit at the last second sent us back inside for 22 minutes and we came back out with an extra 3 kilos of truck, books, biscuits and drink bottle. Less promising.
And then something beautiful happened. In my heroic effort to get into the car, I discovered the keyless entry. Where had it been all my life? I know it sounds like I’m joking right now, but I couldn’t be more serious. In five short days I’ve fallen so hard for the keyless entry that I don’t know how I’ll ever go back to my old car. What sort of primitive existence have I been living?… That extra step of stopping to rummage through your handbag, among your 80 other bags of crap seems so arduous now. I can’t believe I put up with it so long.
The drive was quiet and uneventful. Everyone was strapped down in and order had been restored. There was no further screaming and my eyes remained on the road for the entire six minute drive. Must be a record.
We parked in one of the world’s smallest Parents With Prams car spaces. It seems this car park has made these spots extra small just for the fun of watching parents slide out of their cars like a slinky, before shimmying along their door like Spiderman and then that fun game of dragging your child out without giving them concussion on the door you can only open 20 cm without having to leave an apologetic note on the car next to you. Note: This is not the Kuga’s fault. It would be the same in a Fiat Bambino. WHY Coles? WHY?
Once we made it out of the car we did our hilarious and not at all tiresome dance of “Thuddy walk. Mummy carry” in which I try to negotiate putting the child in the trolley only to end up carrying him because I can’t let him walk because letting him walk is a disaster. DON’T JUDGE ME.
Of course as soon as I made it into the store pushing a trolley and carrying a toddler, I got the tut-tut from one little old lady because carrying your child is akin to flopping out a boob in the middle of the store. Because you just know in her day children walked obediently alongside their mothers in white linen shorts and long socks and never even made eye contact with adults.
Two minutes later I had another little old lady giving me cute, watery eyes because she remembers the days of having pudgy arms wrapped around your neck, slowly cutting off your air supply because you’re loved THAT MUCH. Can’t win with these little old ladies.
After an uncomfortable and oxygen deprived dash through Coles (in which I forgot the milk but remembered the 6 packets of Gaviscon thanks to never-ending heartburn) with only one episode of lying on the floor in silent protest at being put down, we made an obligatory stop at the bloody fire truck (TRUCK! TRUCK! TRUCK!) for a ride and then finally got back to the car where I waved my foot under the hands-free tailgate and the boot opened for me because I am magical and my car does what I want without even being asked. Unlike my child who tried to dive bomb out of my arms as I was hauling approximately 400 kilos of groceries.
So our day was a huge adventure. We travelled the lands to the Kingdom of Coles, we slayed old ladies, we hunted and gathered our groceries, we rode the enchanted fire truck and journeyed home in our trusty chariot. I had my daily workout and we all needed a lie down after all the excitement.
The end.
This post is part of the #FordThinking Sponsor Challenge for Kidspot. Ford Australia has kindly given me a brand new Ford Kuga Titanium to test drive for six weeks and I’m loving it!
Do you ever feel like a packhorse? Do you need to take 326 kilos of junk everywhere you go? WHY?
43 comments
[…] the baby and throw some pants on yourself. Pack the bag with 18 spare nappies, wipes, nappy bags, snacks, water, toys, phone, keys, book, spare clothes, […]
[…] you’ll start dealing with defiance and attitude and emotions so huge they spill all over the supermarket in front of dozens of innocent bystanders and you will tear your hair out trying to get him behave […]
Thank god for grocery shopping on line is all I can say… although driving that nifty Kuga is defn a good incentive to drag all and sundry to the shops.
Just a little side note… I will never forget being 37 weeks pregnant and H (22 months) not wanting to be put down AT ALL!! He was permanently stuck to me hugging me like a koala, resting above my HUGE bump… defn a stage and he KNEW what was coming… they know. Jx
We have several cars, 5 in fact (2 teenage sons) and 4 have keyless entry. Lately I’ve been driving my little convertible MG…oh it sounds cute but I miss keyless entry, CD player, Bluetooth, and a big boot. It’s two door, two seats with a boot the size of a small suitcase. I love it though and when the sun is shining it’s all I want to drive.
Hahaha shopping with kids. Always fun :-/ I love that automatic boot opening thing that part of the car was clearly designed by a mother. Congrats on the baby on the way! How exciting, you’ll definitely need that keyless entry thing with two kids to carry around!
Loving the sound of this car. I have a button to start my car but still need keys to unlock it and I can never, ever find them in my tardis of a handbag. I’ve moved on from the toddler days but had to take the girls with me to the Kingdom in the holidays which was a nightmare of it’s own kind, I want I want I want!
Keyless entry and one of those fancy ‘wave to open’ tailgates is on my list for my next car. I’m already concerned about the sheer amount of stuff babies come with and mine isn’t even out yet!
And good on you for carrying Thud around while pregnant. I’ve struggled to carry my handbag some days.
Oh the joys of shopping with a toddler. You’ve described all the pain and judging looks from little old ladies perfectly! I too have a dive bomber – they provide a brilliant workout for the upper body but not so good for the back (I expect pics of those ‘mum guns’ next time!). Your baby bump is looking lovely too. Enjoy those fabulous mod cons on the Kuga – with a toddler and one on the way, you deserve all shortcuts you can get!
I so need a decent-sized car now. I have teens and we drive long distances as I live in the country. Every time we have to go to the city, especially on airport runs, my eldest – who is male and man sized (tall man sized) – moans, and slumps, and turns around and can’t get comfortable in my lancer. His Dad and his wife both have 4WD and I feel SO inadequate having a small car. To make it worse, both kids get car sick long trips because they are used to being in a 4WD and my car is too close to the ground and they feel every bump. Oh to have leg room and space for suit cases (and the dog). If only for the airport runs.
Oh and my keyless entry keys fell apart in my hands a long time ago – once when I was driving, the second when I had just pulled up at home. I had to get second keys made at great expense but they are not keyless. Sigh.
You’ve reminded me why I’m totally happy that I’m on the other side of toddler-dom. But sometimes I think that teenage-dom can be just as bad. Although, you don’t have to carry them when they are teenagers 😉 I totally need a car that you wave your foot under and the boot opens. Glad you survived your day! x
I sooo want to wave my foot & have the boot open – bliss! I have keyless entry already & I know the perks believe me. EXCEPT, now The D-Man is a highly energetic 4 year old ninja – I put him in the car first while I unload the groceries & he locks the doors on me. Then, because I never have to use my keys due to the keyless entry they are buried at the bottom of my bin of a handbag & it takes me 10 minutes to dig them out while the Ninja sits comfortably in his booster seat smiling angelically at me…..
Oh, whoops! That’s not ideal Shan. I’ll have to remember that one…
As someone who spends a minimum of ten minutes rummaging for my car keys EVERY DAMN TIME I enter the car (or more, the length of time is directly proportionate to how much weight I’m baring on my shoulders), I NEED a keyless entry car so bad. I reckon I would get a year back in my life.
I’ve been SO much more productive now that key searching time has been eliminated from my day Zoe 😉
Brilliant. Every word. And now I want keyless entry and a self opening tail gate. Actually, I’d settle for a car that has four functioning wheels. Mine is presently in no man’s land between the tyre place, the mechanic and the car dealership as we tussle over why the front driver’s side wheel was found to be falling off. I have been banned by all parties from driving it. Sigh.
Oh shit Ellen, a falling off wheel isn’t excellent. I highly recommend a car with all wheels in tact.
I love the idea of the whole wave your foot under for the back door to pop up (very technical).
Isn’t it funny when you are pregnant second time around. If someone told you to carry 20kg of potatoes in your first pregnancy you would be all damsel no way. Second time around there is no choice. You carry the 20kg or go nowhere. 🙂
Shit Karin, you make me laugh. Firstly, the foot waving thing is magical and I’m not sure how I’ve survived without it so far. I’m also in love with the fact that it has a little button that you push to close the boot. So I don’t even need to pull the door down, it does it for me! Such a gentlemanly car.
Secondly, yes yes yes. I don’t get to be precious this time around. Lifting heavy things while pregnant? DEAL WITH IT. You have a child. That’s a minimum of 13kgs to lug wherever I go. (I swear he has some sixth sense for the fact that we’re getting closer to having another person in this house and has become extra determined to be carried everywhere. Am I imagining it?)
Having kids is the best upper body workout. Just wish my core and pelvic floor muscles were as strong as my upper body 😉
Love the wheels. Keyless entry is such a luxary! Do you really have to give it back??
Xx
Oh Shannon, the worst part is that my pelvic floor is so pathetic that every time I lift something heavy I’m reminded of how bad it is. Oops!
Keyless entry is the bomb. Everything about this car is luxury. I SO don’t want to give it back.
Oh yeah! I have the strength of 10 Arnold Schwarzenegger’s! I am a machine after lifting my son + toys + food + whatever other shit I have to carry. Lucky you getting that car for a bit! You will be so sad when you have to give it back :(. Have fun with it though. xo
Nobody told me all I would do all day long is pick up and carry shit. ALL DAY LONG. I’m like a mule.
And yep, I’m going to be ultra sad to give it back. I REALLY don’t want to .
THIS!!!!!!
“We parked in one of the world’s smallest Parents With Prams car spaces. It seems this car park has made these spots extra small just for the fun of watching parents slide out of their cars like a slinky, before shimmying along their door like Spiderman and then that fun game of dragging your child out without giving them concussion on the door you can only open 20 cm without having to leave an apologetic note on the car next to you.”
You are so awesome. I can relate to all of this…except for the part about the awesomely helpful car haha x
I’m not even kidding Kez, I swear these spots are made extra small. I’m really going to struggle as I get bigger. I can’t shrink the belly to get out of the car. I’m going to have to climb out of the boot.
I need keyless entry. I’ve decided just shutting the doors and leaving the keys in the ignition is easiest.
The mothers who park in the mothers with pram parking have an understanding. I have shut 3 doors for mums that have just obviously grabbed child and gone in.
I have also come back after a few hours and found I left the boot open
We all just let each other be.
I need a car that open and shuts for me. A smart thinker..
Seriously? Jesus, that’s a harassed mum who leaves the doors wide open. Poor loves.
You would LOVE LOVE LOVE this car. Walk next to the car and it unlocks for you. Get in and push a button and it starts for you. Stick your foot out and the boot opens for you. Press a button and the boot closes for you. It’ll even park itself for you. It just about drives itself.
Grocery shopping with a toddler is definitely one of life’s great adventures 🙂 I’d love a magical sensor thingy that opened the car boot when you wave your foot! Would make some days so much easier!
It really does Emma! You’d love it! And certainly makes getting back into the car after the joy of shopping so much more pleasant.
Oh I miss those days of parenting……hahaha just lying!!! I totally don’t !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need me that car though!!!!
Oh Veronica, it’s so much fun isn’t it!
These cars sound amazing! I bumped into our friendly Ford dealer last week and he told me he ordered one for me and I’m going to love it!!! He dazzled me with all the bells and whistles it has……..he loves stirring me up in my Captiva! We are due for a new car soon so loving your posts!
I do have 1 question though. What happens if a kid throws up in the nice new car on these 6 week adventures? The car is yours?
I have a Captiva too Jo! And I hate to say it, but this car is so much better. All the extras just make it so much more fun to drive and it’s so safe and smart. Slightly smaller than the Captiva but I’m going to struggle so much to go back 🙁
We have keyless entry and it’s ace. Not that I carry the keys nor do I drive the car but I enjoy the keyless entry all the same! I’m pleased that there was a happy every after ending to your Coles adventure!
You’re not a driver Sammie?
Pack horse is an understatement I think. FYI you make a very attractive pack horse. And god forbid you forget one of the ‘essential items’, like when you arrive at SeaWorld and your child DIVES into the nearest puddle, and you realise you brought 10 spare nappies but not one spare pair of pants.
That car sounds totally up my alley! I would not be able to survive without keyless entry, I don’t even know where my keys are 99% of the time, other than somewhere at the bottom of my bag.
LOVING your baby bump!
At least you had nappies Krissy! Went to the pool on the weekend and forgot wipes… one sesame seed nappy later and it was time for home. Whoops!
And I never know where my keys are either. I swear I always put them in the same spot in my bag but every time I try to find them… nup. Gone.
I have my keys on a bright lanyard so that is all I have to look for in my bag – I usually leave it hanging out to make it easier to find – I once lost my house keys in my handbag for three weeks before hubby tipped it out on the table and found them!
Yep…me too….same….
Hahahhahaha! This is great! I’m looking forward to my own trip to the mystical Kingdom of Coles tomorrow (sans awesome wheels, though) Forgive me the totally stupid question, but how does the keyless entry work?
Oh Hugzy it’s the best! As long as your keys are in your handbag or pocket, the doors will open for you. And then you don’t need the key to turn the car on. You just press a button. You literally don’t need to touch your keys.
I am glad someone asked that question for me…*G*
Or your bumbag…