I kind of hate parenting ‘experts’ and their bullshit advice.
Don’t get me wrong, I read everything I can find on parenting. But nine times out of ten I’m left with strained ocular muscles from all the rigorous eye-rolling. They’re SO FREAKING SMUG.
Most of these ‘experts’ prey on the fact that parents, as a rule, are panicked about getting it all wrong. The most clicked on articles? The “should never” articles. Man, I’m clicking on those links like a hormonal teen clicking on Bieber dick pics. I need to see them. I NEED to see what I’m doing wrong.
So you better believe I clicked on the link that told me the Ten things you should NEVER say to your kids.
Shit. Apparently I am doing severe and permanent damage to my child every time I open my mouth.
Tonight after dinner Thud walked over to the sink and chucked his dirty plate in there. Without even being asked. For a kid who’s not yet 2 and a half, this impressed me muchly.
“GREAT JOB mate!” I cried.
Well fuck me if I haven’t just condemned him to a life of booze and hard drugs.
He then walked back and proceeded to climb up the couch so he could use the backrest as a slide. He does it all the time and frequently ends up arse over tit on the floor.
“Be careful please!” I nagged.
BAM. I think I see an anxiety-riddled man blossoming before my eyes.
As I tried to herd him upstairs for his bath, he went boneless and flopped on the floor in protest.
“Hurry up child!” I called out.
May God forgive the sociopath I’ve just created.
Apart from “I’m on a diet” (simply because I’m hugely pregnant and very, very far from caring about a diet), I would say all of these things on a fairly regular basis.
We all do. If we didn’t say these things, there’d be hardly anything left to say to our kids.
Can we all agree that while there are better ways to speak to our children, these are NOT the worst things you can say?
Here’s my list of the ten things you should never say to your kids.
“You’re an idiot”
“I don’t love you”
“You’re fat”
“You’re ugly”
“I don’t care about you”
“You’re stupid”
“Get away from me”
“I wish you were never born”
“You’ve ruined my life”
“You’ll never amount to anything”
This kind of messaging would destroy a child. Saying any of those things would make you a really shitty parent.
Telling them they’re ok when they fall over?? I reckon they’ll survive that.
The article explains that when we say things like “you’re ok”, we’re telling the child not to feel upset and therefore stunting their emotional growth. And when we say “hurry up” we’re stressing the kid out. When we say “great job” we’re creating a child who will always try to get our approval (can someone show me a child who isn’t trying to get their parents’ approval?).
SPARE ME.
It’s so bloody tiring to second guess every little thing I do as a parent. Every decision I make has someone telling me it’s wrong and someone else saying it’s right. I’M SO TIRED. Aren’t you tired too?
I’m hyper aware of my role in shaping my child. I watched the movie Inside Out recently and that shit gave me nightmares about how badly I could fuck him up.
But can we stop handing out rules and start giving high fives to parents who do their best to show their kids love, encouragement and support every day? Because sometimes kids are little brats and what you really want to say is, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE GET YOUR ARSE INTO GEAR AND GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!” but instead you take a deep breath, count to three and say “hurry up please!” and you deserve a medal for your next-level self control.
How about we acknowledge all the great things we say to our kids every day like, “I love you”. I personally think that has far more impact and value than, “let’s sit down and workshop your disappointment in the result of your game of tag and then we can craft a song and we’ll all sing it together and try to strategise ways to deal with our feelings next time.”
*extreme eye roll*
Here are ten things you should ALWAYS say to you kids:
Have you said any of these things to your kids today? I bet you have. HIGH FIVE. You’re getting it right and your child will be absolutely fine. Now go and have a drink or a piece of chocolate and rest easy knowing that I, Lauren have declared you a good parent. I am an expert* after all.
*Not an expert in any capacity. It may actually be harmful to your health to take advice from me. But I still think you’re awesome.
Are you sick of parenting advice? Do you agree with any of the “should never” phrases?
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54 comments
Amen sister Amen. Clearly the author of that article had parents who DARED to put a bandaid on their boo boo. Rotten parents should be ashamed of themselves. GAH!!!! xx
MONSTERS I tell you. Bandaids are tantamount to abuse.
Did the author actually have kids? That’s my first question. The second is to be a fly on her wall. For fucks sake no one can be that sanctimonious all the bloody time. Ha ha, I’m always raving on if something breaks has Miss four got a job to pay for it. Oh dear I’ll be up for child labor next.
Oh yep, you’re clearly giving her future anxiety about job security and cash management 😉
I thought I was failing at parenting until I read your post. Thank you! Xx
Well if you’re failing, so is everyone else Shannon! Except of course for the sanctimummies that would never ever tell their children something as harmful as “you’re ok”
Oh my god that post would have made me vomit. It can get fucked!!! And to my kids: ‘Hurry up for the love of god!!’
I say all of that stuff to my kids, But I also say some fantastic things to them too. Geez it’s articles like the ones you refer to that just make everything so much harder!
SO much harder Laney! Just when you think you’re being a good mum by encouraging your child, someone comes along and tells you you’re giving them a complex by simply saying “great work”
FFS!!!
[…] This was a big hit around the inter webs but definitely worth it. Lauren from The Thud shares her “expert” opinion on 10 things you should always say to your kids. […]
As if we haven’t got enough to worry about. I’m obviously scarring my tornadoes for life too as I say 9 out of those 10 sayings. I much prefer your sayings Lauren. Kids need to hear that they are loved, awesome and that we’re there for them. And if a promise of dessert means they might actually eat a healthy dinner (or simply any dinner at all), then it’s dessert for the win!
I know a psychiatrist who specialises in teenagers with food disorders who bribes HER young children with treats and desserts to get them to eat their dinner. I figure if she does it then it’s AOK!!
The original article was ridic. I feel like most parents have the common sense to know what things might genuinely be harmful to say to kids, and that those parents who don’t probably aren’t going to be seeking out online parenting advice anyway.
But reminders of the good shit to say, like your most excellent graphic, should be repinned on Pinterest a thousand times! 😉
Thanks Angie! I really hope the parents with common sense are steering away from those stupid articles… but clearly I have no common sense because I still read them! But then again, I read them and eye roll hard and then blog about how much I hate them 😉
I saw the original and dislocated an eyeball with the intensity of my rolling action. I say “be careful” because I care. I say “good job” because it was. I say “you’re okay” because she is. Your list is a world apart and much more supportive of both the parent AND the kid!!
I also say no when I mean no and yes when I mean yes…. I think it’s easier and far less confusing for the kids when we just say what we mean and don’t use 18 words when one or two would do.
Seriously, I would like to creep along behind whoever wrote that to see how long it would take to catch them saying those vey things to their kids, which are the most natural things to say in the world. Except seeing a strange lady creeping around might freak out those children, who already have it tough enough with never being told they’ve done a good job.
Bahahahahaaaa…. OMG Zoe that made me laugh. I can totally see you creeping behind her trying to catch her out!!!
I say, “You’re OK,” because she IS freaking OK, so let’s move on, mate. And, hurry up, while you’re at it! I appreciate what the original article was getting at, but saying you should “never” say those things is such a load of click-bait junk. I LOVE your list, and frankly, it’s a reminder that there are plenty of kids in this world who never here those lovely words. I think we should be a lot more concerned about them than the ones who hear “good job.”
Totally right Cristin. There are lots of kids out there who hear awful things all day long. Let’s focus on those kids and their parents and forget about the “poor, damaged” kids who are told to “be careful” FFS.
‘You’re ok’, for all but serious injuries (or illnesses) has been one of my go to phrases, and you know what? I think it has helped my 10 and 7 year olds develop resilience, and minimise self pitying. Of course, it’s all in the way you say these things, and plenty of cuddles at other times, but really – most of these are really stupid comments (other than ‘I’m on a diet’. Agree with that – we focus more on energy in, healthy food, etc).
Yep, I totally agree that we don’t need to focus on diets with little kids. That’s not healthy. All the other stuff? They’re just normal words really. As long as the intent behind it is positive, do we really need to worry so much?
THIS. IS. FREAKING. AWESOME. x
Oh shucks, YOU ARE Em!
When I saw that first graphic doing the rounds on social media, I thought it was a joke, or a typo, things you should say to your kids. I like your graphic and your perspective much more. It’s all about keeping it real, staying sane and doing your best by your kids. You nailed it, lady!
I thought it was a joke at first too Sammie! It’s totally aimed at making people click on the link. Because every human being on the planet uses the phrase “hurry up” so you’d have to be a bit odd to see the issues in saying that to anyone, let alone a child.
Thank god you wrote this. I was starting to lose my mind. I mean seriously, I work in a pretty serious child-related area and you nailed it with the second list, but that first list is anything but terrible. Sure there are “best practice” ways to chat to our kids but we live in a real world with real moments and real stressors. Not a fairy land. Great job ?
I’d love to visit this fairy land that some people live in Krissy. I’d honestly like to know what it’s like for some of these people in their homes. Are their children any better behaved or any happier? I don’t reckon they are.
This is great! When i saw that original post it irritated me so much i could barley stand it!! Lets give more high fives and less anxiety to good mums who.live their kids 🙂
High five Steph! Mums are already anxious enough without being told that the most basic things we are doing are wrong.
Love your kids. The end.
*cough* some parenting ‘experts’ might have some ok tips…sometimes. *looks nervously around the room* Don’t hate us all!
But yes that was the BIGGEST LOAD OF FUCKING BULLSHIT OUT. I can’t stand that fucking ‘gentle parenting’ stuff. I’m sorry, but if my kid is walking around pantsless and we need to be out the door in 20 seconds then I’m going to say hurry up! Punctuality is an important life lesson!
Oh and for the record I would never see myself as an expert. Maybe an expert wino though….
You ARE an expert. You have actual qualifications. You didn’t just bestow them on yourself because you read a few things on the Internet.
Hahahahahahahaaaaa…. Whoops! I totally LOVE your stuff and have never once rolled my eyes at anything you’ve said. Because you’re a normal person who doesn’t make me feel like I’m a loser for trying to encourage my son or trying to stop him walking in front of cars. You actually make me feel better about myself. That’s what we all need. Just a bit of encouragement now and then. Not a list of how we are fucking up.
Thank god someone is keeping it real Lauren. I saw the other post and perhaps well intentioned I just couldn’t even click it and go there. My son must think his name is Stop – Be Careful because that is all he bloody well hears. Or possibly he thinks his name is 1…..2….. (with cranky mummy tone).
You made me laugh Michelle – that’s hilarious! I could hear myself in those words!
Hahaha! My son must think his name is “uh uh” with the obligatory finger waggle.
That post is ridiculous. Seriously, do people really think that hard. Get a fucking hobby. I think your do’s and don’ts are far better and realistic.
That’s what scares me Karin. There are people out there overthinking every single word that comes out of their mouths. You’d be safer to just not talk at all
Yah my kids are screwed. Great article madam xx
Start saving for therapy now.
Well said. When I saw this last night on FB I just had to roll my eyes. I much prefer your graphic (nice work BTW). Had the world gone mad. Parenting advice to throw away.
IN THE BIN Jessica!! xx
Hurry up is the one I find the most hilarious. Kids need to know that there are time constraints or they grow into those arseholes who think it’s perfectly ok to turn up an hour late and not apologise.
One of the most powerful phrases I use on a regular basis is ‘I understand’ because it is important to validate our kids feelings, but we still need to talk about consequences when those feelings lead to negative behaviour. And that phrase has come directly from my psychologist and she seems to know what she’s on about.
That’s a great one to add to the list Tegan. I love it xx
If saying ‘be careful’ is damaging to kids then mine are in fucked. Love your graphic, totes Pinteresty!
I must say it 75 times a day. And you know what? It actually works. It stops him from doing stupid shit and makes him aware that what he’s doing could hurt him. Funny that!!
Oh well done Lauren!! There are some very effed up ‘parenting experts’ out there who give very effed information to us. I love this post. Go you! xo
I get so sick of them. Especially the self proclaimed experts that simply write about how they live their lives and try to make it sound like anyone who lives differently is doing it wrong.
Yes!!! That post was fucking ridiculous! Sometimes you need a kid to hurry up. Plenty of times they DO do a great job. And so often- the ARE ok. They just need to be reassured of that. This is the shit that spurs on sanctimummies and plays into the bullshit mummy wars myth! Great response 🙂
Right!? I’m sick of article that make me feel like I’m a shithouse parent just because I say things like “great job” – are you kidding me? Freaking sanctimummies will use anything to make themselves feel superior.
Lauren, you ROCK MY WORLD. I think I may be just a little bit in love with you. I saw that article and groaned. You took it to the next level. Thank you x
I actually saw some merit in what she was saying. I just hated that it was packaged as “things you should never say” like it makes me a bad parent for saying things that most people see as completely normal. I’m so sick of being told what not to do!
A-fucking-MEN. I saw that bunch of sanctimonious horseshit the other day and it made me cringe. Kick-ass reply.
It’s garbage and it’s aimed squarely at every normal parent in the bloody world. Hard not to feel ranty.